9 Beloved Characters Made Horrifying by Japan

… via Cracked:

Japan can take apart other people’s inventions, like radios or TV sets, and put them back together better, cheaper and likely in the shape of Hello Kitty. However, the Japanese skill for reverse engineering works less well when it comes to reconfiguring our beloved pop culture icons.

#9.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT: Legend of the Supermutants)

It seems almost impossible to out-”wha?” a show already titled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but after muttering something about our lack of faith disappointing them, Japan outfitted the Turtles in flamboyant armor that looks like a LARP party on their way to a convention for Liberace Impersonators with an S & M fetish. Because giant, mutated turtles with mastery in martial arts don’t make sense without robo-armor and glittering codpieces.

Obviously Japan isn’t content until your head is spinning with questions. But if you think they’re gong to rest at mere costume-related questions like, “Why is Raphael wearing a bejeweled version of the murder dildo from Se7en?” or “Is Michelangelo about to be devoured by a giant metallic spider?” then you obviously don’t know what happens when the turtles get their hands on the magic stones. Yes, the magic stones.

Of course, once that’s done you simply must have them combine into a gigantic, winged robot…

…after Shredder turns into a city-destroying demon Godzilla because all other types of plot have been outlawed in Japan.

#8.
Star Wars (Star Wars Manga)

So you want to take Star Wars, and filter it through the magical lens of Japanese manga. Clearly the first step has to be to replace the original cast with 11-year-olds. Clearly.

More after the jump…

Here’s Leia, looking young enough to make millions of gold bikini fantasies that much more unsettling…

… Luke looking a few years shy of a T-14 learner’s permit…

… and Han, looking too young to smuggle anything that’s not a dirty magazine.

And now the characters have the respect and dignity they deserve. Except Chewie, because you can’t have something that furry in a Japanese comic book and not turn it into a goofy gag-mascot. It’s in their constitution, apparently.

In the movies this guy could rip your arms off. In Japan he’s Marmaduke with a blaster rifle.

While giving the cast of Star Wars the Muppet Babies treatment might make us ask WHY? Japan has other questions on its mind. Specifically, if you shrink all the characters down to half their previous size, what happens to all that left over blood?

We also get some slight tweaks to the ending. For instance, Luke still honors his dying father’s request, and removes Vader’s helmet. He just doesn’t bother removing it from his head…

But hey, at least they didn’t replace the cast with big-titted anime girls!

For more, see Cracked…